*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
No, he would not have.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.