*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The real reason evolution started..😂
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The dark side of Canada
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.