My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
so i’m at the stock market right
There’s only one good girl here!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that