My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy