Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.