Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

🍛

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

This was a bad idea all around

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.