My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
You Might Also Like
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
this was very charming
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
repaired
