my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
the council will decide your fate
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
This is painfully accurate 😅
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess