my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
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opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
🤣
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”