my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president