my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
This hospital has everything