my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
You Might Also Like
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.