My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.