My teenager: Hey mom, what’s a kidnappers favorite shoes?

Me: no idea…

Him: white vans

Me: ……

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“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.


“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”


I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.


ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this


How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!


Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.


Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!


Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance


Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.