@sweatsntopknots

My teenager: Hey mom, what’s a kidnappers favorite shoes?

Me: no idea…

Him: white vans

Me: ……

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@DPRK_News

“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.

@GinAndJif

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

@shutupmikeginn

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

@fro_vo

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@Marlebean

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

@MatCro

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@dumbbeezie

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.