[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
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“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.