Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Confused owl: What?!

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Best table by far

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before