Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*