My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
You Might Also Like
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”