Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.