Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.