Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

my first day as a raccoon

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

My dress code is business-casualty.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.