My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”