My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
this post was so formative to me
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.