My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Duolingo getting serious.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Very good news from my accountant
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu