Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

The “baby” on the left….

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times