Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.