My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
You Might Also Like
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
⚰
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
men, we mow at sunrise.