My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
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You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
spicy snake
Meanwhile in Portland…
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold