Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

I just ran a .003048K

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them