Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

SQUARREL

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE