My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.