My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper