My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
What
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult