Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

I think about this a lot

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.