My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
This probably isn’t good
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
