My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
But I really needed water water water
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!