Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.