My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

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The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO


“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)


Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.


I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.


Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.


I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.


My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”


My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.


Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?