@RickAaron

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

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@cervixsmash

The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

@jellybnbonanza

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

@RunOldMan

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

@sarcasticmommy4

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

@ChrisIsJoking

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?