My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision