My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.