My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
