Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.