Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.