My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Home is where your toilet is.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Yup.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.