Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days