My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that