Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

me refusing to leave twitter

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no