My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.