Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

The funk soul brother

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*