Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool