My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
No way!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.