“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..