@sofarrsogud

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

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@MrEmilyHeller

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@hipstermermaid

“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.

@LindaInDisguise

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@WritePlay

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

@highinamerica

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

@LisaFarted

The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.

@Bexdora

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.