[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The Punning Dead.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?