My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
You Might Also Like
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone