@sofarrsogud

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

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@pleatedjeans

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

@shutupmikeginn

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@krisv_723

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

@TheDarkSideCEO

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

@behindyourback

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

@DJRotaryRachel

Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.

@ericsshadow

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?