My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy


In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”


“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.


The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.


Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.


Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.


The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.