My therapist after every session
You Might Also Like
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Come back with a warrant
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE