My therapist after every session
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Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.