My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
fired
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!