My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.