My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.