My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
okay run it by me one more time
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.