Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

The game has officially changed 😎

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”