@missmayn

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.

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@Staggfilms

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

@JerpsBerps

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

@EwdatsGROSS

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”

@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

@PerfectPending

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.