Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
You Might Also Like
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time