my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Netflix and you sit over there.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Saturday
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?