my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
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[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
your daddy is a what now?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you