my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.