my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.