Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Hmm, not sure about this change

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS