my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do