I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..