Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better