My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Rooting for the overdog
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.