My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*Seductively hides in the woods
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.