Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

“We will wed,” I threatened

I have two kinds of followers

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1