Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

I just love that new Pope smell.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.