my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Worst Native American name ever.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.