My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
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Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.