Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?