Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.